Posted by Anonymous on 2019/10/19 under Life I didn’t feel like smiling. I barely even felt like myself sitting there. Here was a situation that I had been in many, many times in life, and had absolutely aced most of these times. And suddenly, this one time, all I wanted to do was scream, cry and run. I didn’t even feel like myself in that moment. I think there exists an inherent latency to think of something as a mental condition. We, in society today, like to attach responsibility for situations to ourselves. We like to think that something bad is our fault just as something good is to our credit. What this does is, it discredits the fact that there are multiple facets to “me”. I am a product of my conscious, the side of my mind that I talk to and ration with and make conscious decisions with, but I am also a product of my subconscious. It is impossible to live your entire life as the same person. Love it or hate it, the things in your life will constantly keep changing who you are. I feel like this tendency of taking responsibility of every occurrence strongly on yourself means that you forget that change is natural and okay. That there is no need to try and continue playing a role of one of your previous selves. Who you are now is who you are and there is no need to try and change that. In the past year, for me personally my life has changed in multiple ways. There has been a ton of tragedy, and I am yet to really see the comedy. The changes that have come about are ginormous and when I think about it rationally, it is only natural that there have been some changes made to my blueprint too. Now while I may or may not like all of these changes, there is a need to acknowledge that they have been made and that’s okay. I need to give some credit to the potent extraneous circumstances that have literally turned my life upside down. There is some merit to the question of whether the reason we refuse to give mental diseases much thought and generally think that everything is your fault or a sign of inferiority has something to do with a narcissistic thought process that you are in control of everything and so even the bad, life-changing things that happen in your life have no power over you unless you give them permission, and this permission that you give is where you are wrong, and where this entire ordeal is your mistake. For instance, I must acknowledge that my brain is more scattered now. That there has been some fundamental change done to my blueprint which keeps my breath short and my heart racing most of the time. And that’s okay. I am not here to resist that a change has happened at all, or that somehow, I caused this change through my thoughts and I can undo it through my thoughts. Spoiler alert: I am not the master of all things. I find my forehead scrunched up most of the time and get a headache every time I straighten it out. When I pay attention, I find that my throat is dry, and some part of my body is almost always in motion. Anxiety. I have what they call an anxiety disorder. The way I look at it, anxiety comes from fear. My fear comes from trying to resist the colossal forces that stand in front of me. My fear steams from me trying to put a band-aid and move on from a burn scar on my mind. To face it, I have to face the fact that my mind is a little stunned with where I am in life. It’s stunned, it’s scared, it’s betrayed, it’s a little broken-hearted. Mostly, it’s very, very scared of tomorrow. The past year has taken away so much that my poor battered mind cannot bring itself to trust any of which the year has given. To face my fear, I must acknowledge this trauma. I must acknowledge that I have been subjected to it, and I need to allow my mind some space and some time to come to terms with all that it has suffered. It needs extra time and extra care. Do not, even for a second, assume this to mean that bad things will happen and I will let my life slip away from me because of the trauma those things have brought me. Oh no, not at all. The only thing this means is that I need to acknowledge the bad things, the trauma, and the effect the trauma has had on me. Then go ahead and make a master plan, a master declaration and monstrous determination to slowly, but surely, turn my fortunes around and fight away the brickbats that have been dealt to me. I know people have had it worse and emerged survivors, absolute champions. I know that the majority of this year has gone in me nursing my mind enough that it will not break into tears at any moment, but the rest needs to be given to now getting it to its previous glory – well and truly, not in short bouts of good fortune I now experience. I need to let go of fear and live my truth. I am who I am, and I’ve been to hell and back to get here. This is me, the whole deal. I will never do something that doesn’t seem right or instinctive to me because that never sits well with me. I will continue to be who I truly am and live my best truth because I deserve it. I see no option but to accept that life is unpredictable and may turn around once again so completely that I see not even a resemblance to its older form, but I’m just going to have to live in the present. I’m just going to have to count my blessings every moment and live my best life, live an honest life, because that’s the only good worth having. Everything else will simply have to sort itself out. I must have faith, I must believe that the One overlooking all this will make sure I am good, I am happy, and that I am never wronged. All that life has taken away, one day it will doubly give. Until then, I am here for me and I need to be strong enough to take hits and still be positive. The Universe gives back what you give it – this I truly believe. So here I am putting it out there. I am going to turn my life back around. My healing will be in stages, and after the first phase of healing, the immediate first aid, I stand before the second stage. On my way to safety, love, togetherness, comfort, true happiness, mental peace and intellectual excellence I traverse with my one true ride-or-die companion till the end, myself and my God.
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i’m here for you too, bro.
btw, you write really well. are you a journalist or a teacher or something?